How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
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I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
New comic up. “Ransom”
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.