[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.