I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
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If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
omg leave her alone
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.