The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
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just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
even bears disappoint their mothers