If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
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My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Uh oh…
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.