The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
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Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Smile Twitter, Smile.
one last job
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I’m aging like a fine banana
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.