After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
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I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.