Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
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[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh