Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
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Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
classic mixup
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I hope it’s French Onion!
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad