I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
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Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes