*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
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I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Received some very disappointing news today