if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
You Might Also Like
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Herpes is trending, good job people
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…