I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
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4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Story of my life…..
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Good morning.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me: