sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
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Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢