Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
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Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana