[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
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Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Perfect
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.