I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
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Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.