I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
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Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I don’t think my car can fly
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?