If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
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when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
We all have our pet causes.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
next level snooze