“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
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The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me