I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
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You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.