This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
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In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Human are so complicated
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
The three genders
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.