every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
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What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese