thanks auntie mary
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[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!