If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
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I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something