Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
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tell em, edith-anne
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
what does he know…
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.