Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
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The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.