Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
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Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
huge if true: the moon
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks