In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
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If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.