[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
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Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.