Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
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I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.