They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
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It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]