Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
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me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
ready to be harvested
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too