Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
You Might Also Like
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Ugh
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Natty or not?
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.