Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
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Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Them: Just act casual
Me:
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.