Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
You Might Also Like
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Beware…..
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.