Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
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No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Hot Hot Hot
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?