My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
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I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.