me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
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Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.