If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
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Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.