[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
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3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…