My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
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Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
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“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Jail
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.