Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
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The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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