Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
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Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad