Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
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One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
They did not miss in the small print
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Noted.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.