Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
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Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.