I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
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I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
what’s more important?
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager