I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
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Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
a fate I wish upon no one
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking