A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
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My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.