cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
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[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
This is a whole mood;
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College